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Written by Ninja Sex Party (Dan Avidan and Brian Wecht)
Performed by Ninja Sex Party and TWRP
Starring:
Jacksepticeye as The Kid
Markiplier as Cool Patrol Leader
Ryan Magee as Verified Cool Patrol Member
Matt Wilson as Unverified Cool Patrol Member
Jordan McQuiston, Diamond Walker, and Hunter Collins as Roller Dancers
Zan Alda as Cow
Barry Kramer as Camel
Kaden Vu and Eric Radic as Bullies
Lala Araki, Milloux, and Lindsey Jennings as Roller Ladies
Jordan Irby, Jeffrey Minter, Viktoria Ershova, Jonathan Sapp, Christina Correa, Kassandra Corea, Pamela Horton, Vernon Shaw, Kyle Crosby, and Daniel Stonem Ali, Meredith Quail, and Amy as Roller Rink Patrons
Director: Sean Barrett
Editor: Sean Barrett
Producer: Svetlana Dekic
Production Supervisor: Sarah Williams
Director of Photography: Gordon Yould
Additional Post-Production: Matt Watson
1st AC: Brooks Burgoon
2nd AC: Jeffrey Ball
Steadicam Operator: Bryant Swanstrom
Gaffer: Seth Naugle
Key Grip: Conrad Wrobel
Media Manager: Andrew Fontanelle
Makeup: Taja Davis
Wardrobe: Lici Koch
NSP Costumes: Kristen Carr
Art Department: Kati Schwartz
Production Assistants: Tasha Anderson, Rory Ross
Manager: Brent Lilley
Lyrics:
Yo Ninja Brian, you see that high schooler over there getting pushed around? This looks like a job for the Cool Patrol!
Hey Kid! (Yo!) You're getting picked on in school
The other boys! (Huh!)! They say you just ain't cool
Well that's bullshit! (Yeah!!) We're gonna teach you the rules
Those motherfuckers ain't gonna bother you no more
We are the bad boys (Oh!) from the tough side of town
We are the Cool Patrol (Woo!) we'll turn your life around
Those bullies (AW SHIT) their ass is done for now
We're gonna show you how! So fuckin' listen y'all! First…
You put your hands in the air
And you jump off the ground
And then you take that funky butt and you shake it all around
And lightly jog in place and then crank it up to a prance
This is the cool patrol dance
Now put your hands in your pockets
And take them right back out
Then spin around in a circle and make an animal sound (moo)
Then glide into the sprinkler like you're gonna water the plants
This is the cool patrol dance
Whee!
Motherfuckin' bullies better watch their ass
You're sending all them shits a message there's a new king in class
When they see you they're gonna freak out and piss their pants
THEY ARE YOUR BITCHES! THEY ARE YOUR BITCHES BECAUSE...
You put your hands in the air
And then stick out your rear end
And then you wiggle it real hard and you hug your closest friend
And then you wildly remove your clothes and tearaway pants
This is the cool patrol dance
Now rub the peanut butter on you
From your head to your feet
And cover up your nudity with different cheeses and meats
Then slap a camel because this could be your only chance
This is the cool patrol dance
Cool Break!
*synth solo*
You put your hands in the air
And grab a bird from the sky
And eat it whole so that you may absorb its power of flight
Now you can also dive bomb fish because your vision's enhanced
This is the cool patrol dance
You're basically a superhero now
So throw some cars
Then rub your magnum thighs together and set fire to Mars
Now harness all your sexy fury in a victory stance
This is the cool patrol dance!
