Mr. Hankey arrives to take the boys to Santa Claus in the North Pole. Cartman sings with Mr. Hankey.
"Red Sleigh Down" S06
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EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT
There are several boxes on Cartman's front porch and lawn. Stan and Kyle watch as Cartman runs in and out of his door with box after box.
CARTMAN
And here! Here some old toys that I don't need anymore!
(Going back in)
And here! Here are some Christmas Cookies!
(Going back in)
And some Holly and mistletoe! Oh this will be the happiest Christmas the middle east has ever seen! Guys! Get those lights down from the door. We'll give them to the needy Iraqis too!
STAN
Cartman, why are you doing this?
CARTMAN
They don't have Christmas there guys, we have to GIVE it to them.
KYLE
That's a retarded idea that won't work - why are you REALLY doing this?
MR. HANKEY (O.S.)
HOWDY HO!!!
The boys look around and then see Mr. Hankey drop from the rooftop in a big entrance. A glorious Mr. Hankey MUSIC CUE plays.
KYLE
Mr. Hankey!
CARTMAN
(To himself)
Aw, I hate that stupid Christmas poo.
(Then acting)
Hello Mr. Hankey! A merry Christmas to you!
MR. HANKEY
Gee wiz! Things sure look Christmassy out here! What are you boys doing?!
KYLE
Cartman is trying to bring Christmas to Iraq.
CARTMAN
The people of Iraq deserves a good Christmas just like everyone else.
MR. HANKEY
Well, Gosh Eric, looks like you REALLY have the Christmas spirit!
CARTMAN
I sure do!
STAN
But how do we get this stuff there?
MR. HANKEY
I know someone who can help! SANTA CLAUS! He would LOVE this idea!
Cartman lights up.
CARTMAN
REALLY?!
BOYS
(Confused)
Really?
MR. HANKEY
Sure! We should take this stuff to him right away!
KYLE
But how are we going to get to the north pole?
MR. HANKEY
Oh that's no problem, we just need a little Christmas magic!
Hankey turns around and throws his hands up it the air - Fairy dust flies from his hands as a RUMBLING starts.
We see a manhole on the street in front of Cartman's house start to shake. Then Sewage shoots up through the manhole and starts to swarm around.
Shit, sparkles and pixy dust swirl around in a great tornado and then the smoke clears revealing that all the shit has turned into-
A big, festive, old style choo choo train made completely of poo. It is also Decorated with holly and ornaments. Mr. Hankey steps into the foreground of the shot and looks at camera.
MR. HANKEY (CONT'D)
All aboard the poo-choo express!!!
CARTMAN
WOW!
Stan pulls his shirt up over his nose.
STAN
Ooh - that smells.
KYLE
(Doing the same)
Yeah.
Mr. Hankey jumps into the conductor's chair.
MR. HANKEY
Next stop -- the NORTH POLE!
Cartman grabs two boxes of stuff and heads for the train with a big smile.
CARTMAN
Get the rest of the stuff you guys!
STAN
Uh... I don't really want to get on that.
KYLE
Me neither.
CARTMAN
You guys! We have to bring Christmas to those less fortunates! Now come on!
Still with their shirts pulled over their noses, the boys grab some of the other boxes.
Hankey starts up the engine-
MR. HANKEY
Let's go poo-choo train!
Hankey Pulls a chain hanging from the top twice.
TRAIN
POOO CHOOOOO!!!
TRAIN SOUNDS as the train starts to go. Slowly at first, but then at an incredibly fast pace.
The boys are sitting on the train next to the Christmas things with their shirts pulled up over their noises. Cartman walks up to be with Mr. Hankey in the front.
MR. HANKEY
The poo-choo train laying down it's tracks! Going-
(pulls rope)
TRAIN
Poo-choo.
MR. HANKEY
All the way and back!
Cartman joins in, bouncing to the song at his knees and putting his arm around Mr. Hankey.
CARTMAN
Poo-choo train is my favorite thing. Spreading Christmas joy as we ride and sing.
KYLE
Dude, what the hell has gotten into Cartman?
STAN
I don't know.
WIDE SHOT - The poo-choo starts going incredibly fast through the mountains of Colorado.
EXT. NORTH AMERICA
In a very wide, almost map like shot - we see a brown line moving from Colorado, through Canada, and up to the North Pole as the Song Continues.
MR. HANKEY (V.O.)
Christmas time wouldn't be the same without hugs and kisses and a poo choooo train.
EXT. MAYOR'S OFFICE - NIGHT
The crowd is still all there, waiting for Jimmy's song to be done. They are all standing, but hunched down and most looking at the ground in desperation.
The Mayor and her aides look super bummed as well.
JIMMY
And a p-p-artridge in a pear tree...
On that last note, Jimmy holds out his arms as if it is the end of the song...
But then-
JIMMY (CONT'D)
On the th-third day of Chrisma...
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