Are you or your partner super defensive?
Do you have a hard time taking responsibility for the things you say and do (or don't do)?
Defensiveness is the trap my wife and I fall into most often.
Defensiveness is always an attempt to protect yourself from a perceived attack. A defensive response usually implies, “The problem isn’t me… it’s you!”
Defensiveness shows up in two different ways: Cross-complaining, and playing the innocent victim.
Here’s an example things of how things unfold when criticism and the cross-complaining form of defensiveness are in the picture:
“Would you clean up your dirty laundry, you always leave such a mess!” (Criticism)
“Oh yeah? Well what about all your dishes down in the sink, and our filthy car that you always leave your junk in?” (Defensiveness)
“Don’t even get me started on junk. I can barely even walk through the garage without tripping over one of your tools.” (Even more defensiveness…)
See how that works?
Let me rephrase that. See how that doesn’t work?
I hope this video helps give you a game plan to defeat defensiveness in your marriage.
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#Defensiveness #FourHorsemen #JohnGottman
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