I wanted to try something different with this poem since it really wrote itself and reflects the way I've been going through life recently. I have fun filming and editing so I decided to film myself for this poem. A few shots are from a short film I am currently working on so I'm looking forward to sharing that when I'm done!
Thank you for watching!
Poem Written & Performed By: Melissa Paiz
Filmed & Edited by: Melissa Paiz
Background music from freesound.org by the user furbyguy
Follow me on Twitter: @xMoonlight.Melx
"Honestly, I Hate My Life"
Look into my eyes and tell me what you see,
It'll most likely be around the lines of, "you look tired," "you look weary," "you look dead."
In fact, I do.
See, I won't tell you that the night before I cried myself to sleep, and the night before that, and the night before that.
I won't mention the fact that i'm slowly going insane, with all of these thoughts in my brain, with this inner voice that keeps telling me I'm hopeless, I'm useless, I'm worthless -
And I'll keep it a secret that I'm so unhappy with my life, that I've even gotten a knife and debated with myself whether or not to give up on this fight.
But in front of you, in front of the world, on social media, and wherever I go,
I'll plaster a smile on my face so no one will know.
I'll be just like the rest, showing off my best, while behind closed doors I'm crumbling down to a mess.
Right now, at this second, I feel lost.
At this very minute, I have on foot in the light and the other in the dark.
Thinking if I leave now, I might possibly leave a mark on those who look at me with judgment and keep asking the same questions over and over, what are you doing with your life?
Why haven't you done this?
Why haven't you done that?
You're supposed to be that straight A student with high expectations, not this bum, not this person with a degree, who has yet to achieve anything?
Don't even get me started on looks, that's another issue that's got me by the hook.
I know I'm not pretty, I know I'm not near the level of beautiful, but I struggle each and everyday, to say that I'm okay.
I'm socially awkward to the bone, I can barely order carry-out over the phone.
I hate my personality, my shyness, my anxiety -
It keeps me locked down, chained up and dysfunctional to live in society.
I wish it were possible to get the book of my life, grab a pen and rewrite, scratch out and scribble over everything I want to change.
Wouldn't that be a fairy-tale?
To control my future, to allow my character to find happiness in love, success, wealth, and all of the other things I can address.
Stress, stress, stress.
Stop making me feel like I'm less.
I've come this far and yet I feel like a pest,
To everyone I love and to those who love me.
All I want is to be free,
From this insignificant feeling every time I breathe.
So look into my eyes and tell me what you see,
I'll just nod my head, give a little pretty smile, and let it be.
