Last week, I had my very first colonoscopy after avoiding doctors for about 14 years. I do know better. I actually have master's degrees in both public health and social work. But I have had some trauma with prior doctors' visits that makes me very reluctant to seek their help for anything , let alone get recommended screenings. My husband finally decided enough was enough and convinced me to go see a gastroenterologist. The doctor decided it was time he gave me that dreaded test...
I wish I could say it went perfectly, but it didn't. This parody is the story of my experience. It's meant to be funny... and yes, even though I had a mishap with mine, I do think you should get yours if it's time and/or you actually need one. This wasn't worse than a cancer diagnosis. I probably won't be able to go another 14 years without seeing a doctor, but at least I managed to survive this particular test, right?
LYRICS
Well, I'm gonna raise a fuss, and I'm gonna raise a ruckus
About a recent experience with a doctor and my tuchus.
Most every night my stomach aches.
And every morning, my colon quakes.
Because I'm middle-aged, it was long overdue.
There ain't no cure for colonoscopy blues
Went to the doctor and he gave me the spiel.
His order for the test almost made me squeal
Well I didn't want to do it, I was really not that sick
But being over 50 means submitting to his schtick
Sometimes I gotta do what a woman's gotta do.
But there ain't no cure for colonoscopy blues.
Ow
So I spent two days cleaning out my bowels.
Consuming bland foods and drinking nothing foul.
Well I drank clear fluids, and quit eating for a day
Tried not to think of what was coming my butt's way.
Anesthesia meant that I shouldn't have a clue.
Still there ain't no cure for colonoscopy blues.
On the big day I prayed for lots of lube.
Hoping all would go smoothly for the doctor and his tube.
Lots of time in school, don't mean that I'm no fool.
I don't like doctors, 'cuz they've always been so cruel.
But still I removed my pants and took off my shoes.
'Cuz there ain't no cure for colonoscopy blues
Physical trauma and medical gaslighting.
Not to mention insults and self-aggrandizing...
Yeah, there've been many reasons why I've avoided docs.
And on that fateful day, my nerves were really shot.
I know it's just their job, a secure career to choose.
But there ain't no cure for colonoscopy blues.
Even though it made good sense and I'd be a benefactor...
That procedure gave me enormous pucker factor.
I know he likes running lit tubes up people's butts
Just wish he'd made sure that my eyes were already shut...
I wasn't sleeping yet, but he didn't give a poo.
There ain't no cure for colonoscopy blues.
He had me down, but not completely knocked out.
So feeling that tube, sure made me curse and shout.
It shocked my soul, and caused me dismay...
Because dear doctor, I'm not into butt play!
After that experience, I wanted lotsa booze.
And there ain't no cure for colonoscopy blues.
After it was over the doc said all was fine.
There ain't no tumors hiding in this colon of mine.
Got ninety-nine problems-- colon cancer isn't one.
But I can't say that procedure was a single lick of fun.
I've now officially paid my middle-aged dues.
But careless treatment prolongs colonoscopy blues.
Even though my colon's clean, I've still got stomach issues.
When the doc's assistant called me I was reaching for the tissues.
But at least that shit is done, and I don't have to go back.
Cuz' my colon is okay even if my liver's out of whack.
Don't even get me started on the weight I ought to lose.
There ain't no cure for colonoscopy blues.
