Licensed therapist, Lydia Antonatos, discusses the challenges people face when divorcing a Narcissist.

Divorcing a narcissist can be an emotionally jarring experience for spouses and their children. Partners often feel scared, frustrated, and overwhelmed by the process. They may worry that they will be gaslit or have their reputation smeared during this time. That said, it’s important to look after yourself and try to stay calm. Even if it feels scary at first, you can and will get through this separation.



Here are 10 tips for divorcing a narcissist:

1. Organize Your Plans Before Doing Anything
In most cases, you don’t want to tell someone with NPD you intend on divorcing them until you have details set in place. Otherwise, you risk them trying to sabotage your every effort. Likewise, if your spouse is physically violent, your safety (or the safety of your children) may be at risk. It’s crucial to create a safety plan ahead of time.

2. Keep Copies of Everything
There’s no such thing as having too much evidence. Save records of text messages, emails, or other documents. If you were in a verbal argument where narcissistic abuse or narcissistic rage was present, write down what happened and stay as objective as possible. Consider seeking written testimonials from others. Keep in mind that someone with NPD will often contort the truth to fit their narrative. But the more evidence you have in your favor, the better.

3. Aim to Stay Calm & Cool
Even though it may be tempting to fight back, try to resist this urge. Maintaining your composure is critical for disarming a narcissist and protecting yourself. You maintaining a neutral reaction may exacerbate more narcissistic gaslighting. But the less you give in, the less you will be affected by such manipulation.

4. Stay Connected to Support
As much as possible, lean on your loved ones during this time. You need people who will provide you with reassurance and have your back. Consider joining an in-person or online support group for people navigating divorce.

5. Avoid Badmouthing
Be mindful of venting about your feelings to mutual friends or family members who may still be in contact with your spouse. Your spouse might try to solicit others to “check on you,” only to use that information against you later. In addition, negative gossip tends to perpetuate ongoing feelings of anger and helplessness.

6. Secure a Strong and Successful Lawyer
Find a lawyer with substantial experience in narcissistic abuse. You want a professional who understands the insidious dynamics of these types of marriages. You also want someone who recognizes the manipulation tactics your spouse may use in court.

7. Set and Implement Healthy Boundaries
Do not let your spouse walk all over you. You need to protect your well-being and secure your future. If you must stay in contact (i.e., you’re co-parenting), consider reviewing boundaries with your lawyer ahead of time. You should expect that your spouse will try to challenge those limits; but the more you can stay consistent, the more autonomy you will have.

8. Review Your Digital Boundaries
Block your spouse on all social media and email accounts. Change passwords to any personal account that they may be able to access (your own bank accounts, shopping accounts, etc.). If you must communicate, let them know exactly how they can reach you, such as by calling you directly or going through your lawyers.

9. Keep Prioritizing Self-Care
Looking after your mental health is essential during this time. Divorce can become a devastating, drawn-out process. Optimal self-care can include uplifting activities like journaling, meditating, spending time in nature, or cuddling with your pets.

10. Let Your Children Share Their Feelings
If you have children, it’s important to offer space for them to process their thoughts and feelings. They may blame themselves or worry about how the divorce will affect their schedules. Remember that routines are important for kids of all ages. As much as possible, try to maintain some sense of consistency.

Everyone deserves to experience the benefits of improved mental health and emotional wellness. If you're ready to take the next step in your journey, here are some helpful resources from Choosing Therapy.
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Video by: Lydia Antonatos, LMHC

Article: Divorcing a Narcissist: 10 Tips From a Therapist
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Written by: Nicole Arzt LMFT

Medically Reviewed by: Meera Patel DO

Published: November 15, 2022

#narcissist #divorce

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