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The worst birthday I went to was this guy's from my elementary school. Every year he threw a party in the park by his house. He was pretty popular and athletic, so each year there'd be a football game everyone would play, and then a baseball game, and then finally they'd make a campfire and we'd make smores and roast hot dogs. After the second year, I stopped playing Sports and just concentrated on helping his mom build the fire.

So while all the kids were being cool and playing games, I hung out with his mom every year for like 2 hours. She was really nice, but she probably thought "What the fuck is wrong with this wiener kid? Why would he rather hang out with a 40 year old woman than play cool football with my handsome son?"

And I knew it. I knew it was lame. But even then, I was aware that attempting to play football would be worse. If they saw how I tried to catch a football, or throw a baseball, that would be far, far more damaging. So every year, from 1st to 7th grade, I helped this poor woman build a fire and lay out all the snacks.

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