Sea of Love, by Cat Power.
nobody reads descriptions so this should be safely unread. i reached a milestone tonight, a million views on this video.
i write a confession, what happened. i started to take photographs to take my mind of a horrendous relationship breakup. i didn't want it to end but it did. it was the first time i felt so alone in this world. and then being without her mattered so much that it felt like i was dying.
This song was my anthem around the time. Cat Power it seemed, had suffered a similar fall from grace. it was and still is, a sad song.
this milestone then, a million views, makes me want to write something about why i uploaded this video in the first place, but the fact is that 95-99 % of viewers click on this video to hear Cat power sing Sea of love, and not view my pictures. of course that's why they click on it, they haven't heard of me, but they have watched Juno, and they have seen Cat Power on stage somewhere, or heard her voice on some friends' CD player. don't get me wrong, i am not insecure, i am totally confidant about my ability to take a photograph as a means to express myself. the music i use in my video merely aides the emotional connection, music has always done this.
i am nearing the end of my twenties. in a couple of months i will be thirty years of age. i don't have any children, and i don't have a partner. i make a living as a photojournalist and freelance photographer.
for as long as i can remember, i could never fit somewhere. there's nowhere i could call home. i barely recognise myself from the young man who entered university thinking that a formal education in psychology was going to make me happy, that this prescribed route was going to make me stop wondering, and actually live my life, instead of scratching at it, watching it.
the solace of a camera then seems in retrospect like an obvious thing to do, but as luck would have it, i finally found something that i was truly a natural at, expressing myself. you see i have a lot of pain. of course everyone and their dog has pain and i am no different, but what i find myself trying to do with the camera is just ignore everything that i have ever learned or experienced, just blissfully forget about the taxman, the banker, the things that make up the world around me, and just think about me.
when i take a photograph i am there, being hit by a wave, happy in a graveyard, in a box, or even a garden plastic rabbit, these are all expressions of myself. yes they exist and i didn't arrange them, but i am drawn to them as soon as i sense them, and for however long the scene is as such, i want to take a photograph of it, and when i do, i feel momentarily invigorated, an orgasmic sense of something recognised and understood and captured, a reflection of myself.
so from someone with no artistic background, via a Machiavellian relationship breakup, i find myself with the perfect medium to express myself with, the camera.
thanks for reading.
Raymond McCarron
Update 2023: please please please watch my short film. It's a psychological thriller about a female vigilante who kills bad men: [ Ссылка ]
