now that i look back at my younger self, i was very immature. how i wish my mental health state was stable. my love, affection and desire turned out to be compulsive.
i had been in despair too much that i got myself thrown off balance. i was so desperate for her to love me which caused me to force my feelings onto her. i have wore her out which must’ve caused her to accept my feelings for her. it must’ve been very dreadful to her. i ought to have left her alone, although i would constantly think of her everywhere and everyday. she had given me the slightest attention but she was the only one who stayed with me. perhaps i was too clingy that she would keep ignore me but i just wanted to love. i suppose i had this blindfold which appears to be invisible. i was also in agony. i was mentally suffering. i couldn’t stop daydreaming or thinking about her that i failed classes and i relapsed. i guess chiefly i ought to have deserved them. now that i could see wrong in my actions and behavior, i feel ashamed. beyond everything, was it my desire to off myself? i couldn’t get better which i had to distract myself by obsessing over her but i would continually do it. i couldn’t stop. i wish she could’ve saved me from that endless void. i isolated myself from everyone around me, beside her since i had believed she would’ve rescued me. how could i trust anyone else beside me to save me when it leaded me to relapse as example. i was too desperate to end it all. i should’ve ended it all that day. why did i ever survive? how many attempts i’ve done. why do i always survive? i wish i would’ve taken more so that i wouldn’t still be here suffering and live this boundless loop of everyday. perhaps i was just terrified of death. i was out of enthusiasm, motivation and energy and i had no hope left, just emptiness but her. she was my solely hope, turns out she left me. i hated it. i had no hope left at all. just emptiness, urge to relapse and desire to off myself but somehow i managed to get out of that situation and i’m proud of myself for it. we learn from our past, just like that i would try my best not to lose any hope but there are times that will come one day to devastate my hope. future is future and past is past. honestly i regret everything i’ve committed these past years and i would try my best not to depend my life on someone. at this point i cannot even tell if it’s either the urge to kill myself or desperation to love her. she deserved someone better. i wish i had taken more pills so that she wouldn’t even had to deal with someone like me or i wouldn’t be feeling this way now. i devastated most of my friends in the past. i hope they’re doing well. i hate myself for them having to befriend with me. things around me probably caused me to be the way i was like that. i was genuinely traumatized by someone that is my family member tried to kill his self in front of me. i used to binge and purge, overdose, self harm and would stay awake all night. i tried my best not to draw attention but deep down, i wanted it. i wished someone would help me but no one did and instead of getting help, i got called attention seeker. i’ve failed many classes due to sleeping during classes. i also got caught self harming. i got told not to do it again but i would end up using different methods. i was so disgusted with myself. i would overthink too much. i would always zone out. i couldn’t get over my ex friends and etc. i was so cruel to my friends that i was just like oh i bet my ex friend must’ve killed herself. my liver must be failing due to overdosing several times. at least i got better now but at what cost? #gachalife #gacha #edit #gachaedit #video #gachameme #shorts #paragraph
