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Diagnosing Your Ex As An Avoidant:

The calling card here is a lack of intimacy. They’ll either avoid it altogether or keep their partners at a distance.
A lot of people think that someone with an avoidant attachment will avoid relationships altogether but this is simply not true.
They do form relationships they simply find ways of staying distant within the confines of the relationship.
You see this a lot when it comes to expressing emotions or dealing with conflict.
They’ll withdraw or simply avoid it.
I’d even go as far as saying that they have a pretty big mistrust in depending on others in relationships.
The avoidant type would often perceive themselves as ‘lone wolves’: strong, independent, and self-sufficient; not necessarily in terms of physical contact, but rather on an emotional level.
Underlying everything with an avoidant attachment style is a deep fear of getting too close.

Empathize First Before Worrying About Making Them Miss You:

They want connection like everyone else, but their deepest fear is that love and closeness come at the cost of personal freedom. They will worry that the other person is investing in the relationship more than they are and begin to feel engulfed. While they want a relationship, because it's hard to express their needs they fear being controlled or told who they should be, and fear disappointment and instability. Inherently if someone likes them and starts to lean on them, they don't believe they will be able to live up to their partner's needs or expectations. As a result relationships quickly become obligating, guilt-ridden and burdensome. For a while they may pretend to be in the relationship while secretly hoping their partner will leave them.

What Works Best To Make Avoidants Miss You:

- Avoidants are free to long for an ex once that person is unavailable out of the relationship, and typically out of contact so they are untouched by actual engagement and their deactivation systems aren’t triggered, revealing their long-suppressed attachment and switching their operating attachment wound from the fear of engulfment to fear of abandonment.

- With every interaction a low-level disruption to the avoidant auto-regulatory system with the potential to bring up uncomfortable emotions or guilt, the less engaged in contact someone is, the more 'missable' they may in fact be (conversely keeping in contact may keep the idea the ex is on the back-burner, and the avoidant can continue to deny the loss of an attachment figure).

- Without the danger of reciprocity (so particularly after an ex has moved on), liberation from the fear of engulfment finally gives free reign to an avoidant's latent romanticism. An ex being truly unavailable may even produce a perverse enjoyment - they are at liberty to fully miss and think wistfully of them while it also confirms their self-belief people won't stick around them (sometimes in relationships they may imagine their partner with another to trigger this)

- This post-relationship longing is often after they fail to find an emotional bond with new prospects (as is likely) and long after the original relationship has gone stale.

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