You attend an Arminian church, but you've come to accept Reformed theology, and now you're faced with a difficult decision of leaving your church for theological differences. How should you proceed?
I was personally faced with this decision in 2020. I made a profession of faith in 2015 and started following New IFB preaching on YouTube, and in 2018 joined a KJV-only IFB church (granted, which opposes the New IFB and distances itself from it, and is much more friendly).
As the result of research on King James Onlyism, textual criticism, church history, and eventually a study of Scriptures on Reformed theology over the course of 2019 I was compelled out of conviction of the Spirit (having been deeply impacted by the Scripture's teaching as well as facts of history) to reject all man's tradition that define the IFB movement, namely semi-Pelagian Arminianism, rabid anti-Calvinism and strict King James Onlyism, along with shallow evangelism methods (intellectual assent to Gospel facts, often using emotionalism and imbalanced call to faith based on minimal information to achieve this, and mandatory repetition of the sinner's prayer), man-made rules and standards of behavior, as well as a lot of distinctly American cultural traditions that are being presented as Christian values.
In spite of that, my experience of attending this church was very positive, it was the time of great spiritual growth and blessing in my life, which made the eventual decision to leave tremendously difficult. The more I learned the facts of history, and especially the Scriptural truth of Reformed theology, the more I realized that what my church believed and what I believed up to that point was wrong, and that there would come a time when the differences would become insurmountable and fundamentally incompatible with one another, which would mean that attending that church would be dishonest on my part and really pointless since I could no longer support nor promote their ministry in my country.
Honestly, I'm not sure that I'm a good example of how to leave a church. Looking back, I would do things differently and with more grace.
No matter what you say, and how you say it, if you are leaving your church for doctrinal reasons you are saying that both they and the pastor are in doctrinal error, and there is just no way around it. That for me was the hardest thing. You are telling the man who is in the ministry for decades he is wrong, and you who have come to the consistent biblical orthodoxy only a matter of months or years ago are right. And there is the most challenging thing.
The advice I would give from my particular situation (dealing with rabidly anti-Calvinist, KJV-only independent fundamental Baptists) is that if you chose engage in Scriptural argumentation for the doctrines of grace, do so only if you are completely confident you can do so calmly, graciously and patiently, and that you can pass over every single caricature and misrepresentation of Calvinism (which will probably be given to you with high emotions and defensive attitude) without retaliating in same manner. And focus on the things you agree on - justification by grace alone, through faith alone in Christ alone, inspiration and preservation of Scripture, the Trinity, necessity of evangelism - and strongly affirm them. Obviously, the difference between you would be in understanding of those things, and so you must be ready to provide a consistent, solid, Scriptural defense if the opportunity to do so comes.
Focus on the positive argumentation for Reformed position, and limit the negative aspect of refuting the Arminian teaching - maybe even refrain from it altogether. Give a strong positive, thoroughly exegetical argumentation, and leave the pastor to think it through for himself.
Lastly, if you both believe the same Gospel, emphasize you are not enemies, but brothers in Christ.
Excerpt from the Dividing Line program aired on March 22, 2018
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How to Know When to Leave a Church | Dr. James White
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Why People Leave IFB Churches? | Why I Left My Church? - Written Testimony
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Dr. James White
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