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Song-writer: Ben Grosscup
Performed by Ben Grosscup on February 20, 2016 in New York City at People's Voice Cafe.

When I was eleven,
It was 1993
My best friend showed me pictures
That no one else could see
We hid them in the alley
And we made a secret pact
We could each look at the pictures
As long as they came back

When I was twelve years old
It was 1994
Some kid said, “I got better pictures
Than what you had before”
“The modem crunches pixels
Sent along the wire
Once you’re connected, you can find
Whatever you desire”

When I was thirteen
It was 1995
My dad hooked up a modem to
The five hundred meg’ hard drive
I told my best friend about
This whole new world I’d found
We explored it late at night
When nobody was around

This thing we often did
It surely formed a link
If not between best friends
Between the screen and how I think
I stared as each image loaded
In a breathless trance
I remember waiting cravingly
‘Til I got my next chance

Alluring and exciting
Shocking and taboo
I was still a boy then
And this was what I knew
I trained myself to need it
Like an addict needs a high
What have I been paying
To these pushers in the sky?

As I grew older, I kept shaping
Who I am today
A man who craves a thrill
Just one click away
A man who can feel pleasure
Watching someone else’s pain
And pretend I’m not affected by
The habits I maintain

The thing that scares me most
As a partner and a friend
I’ve watched myself ignore
Where my lovers’ boundaries end
These images have shaped my dreams
Of what to be in bed
I’ve blocked out my lovers’ wishes
Chasing pictures in my head

I’ve practiced viewing women
And not thinking of their needs
When I see like the camera
There’s something I misread
Although I always wanted
A way to fill my heart
My addiction’s brought me loneliness
Ever since the very start

I once thought of that alley
As the place to hide my vice
Today that place could be
Any digital device
Now I recognize addiction
In the person I’ve become
Each time I seek enjoyment
And end up feeling numb

I began to set these patterns
Many years ago
To change them now, it’s not enough
For me to just say, “no”
So I say “yes” to devoting
My time and energy
Every day to be present
With me


NOTE: If you are looking for a good resource on understanding the science of internet porn addiction, I recommend the following resource created by Gary Wilson: [ Ссылка ]

I also recommend the work of the radical feminist author, Robert Jensen who has written powerful critiques of porn: [ Ссылка ]

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