The year is 2018 AD. French history is entirely occupied by the historians. Well, not entirely… One small era of indomitable Gauls still holds out against historical accuracy.

And life is not easy for the history professors who garrison the universities of Primarysorcium, Archelogium, Clicheorum, and Propagandum. These Gallic myths fear nothing except maybe… me!

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Their names didn’t necessarily stop in '-ix' like Asterix, Obelix, Getafix, etc. This belief comes from ‘Vercingetorix’ (the suffix '-ix' means 'King'), which is actually a title meaning “King of the Great Warriors.”

Menhirs were erected in the Neolithic around 2,000 B.C. or even as early as 6 or 7,000 B.C. In any case, way before Julius Caesar’s conquests starting in 58 B.C., or even the Gauls who emerged much later than the Neolithic, around 500 BC.

By the time Julius Caesar invaded Gaul, two-thirds of current French territory was already Romanized. By then, it had been an ongoing process for the last century and a half! There is a reason why the Gauls turned into Gallo-Romans in less than half a century – one of the quickest foreign assimilation in history.

Using Diodorus Siculus' accounts, we can confidently say that their Nobles once wore the Gallic Mustache, although it was much thinner than believed. But by the time Caesar invaded, it seemed out of fashion. In “Commentarii de Bello Gallico”, he fails to mention any facial hair when describing them but does mention it on the Britons, who had always maintained practices long abandoned by other Celts, such as using war chariots.

Overall, the mustache fails to show up in much art/self-representations – such coins minted during that time by the Veneti and the Parissii which clearly shows mustache-less men. On it, you can also see how clean and groomed their hair was.

Celtic nobles took a lot of care of their appearance since the druids forbade them from writing, which is why we have so little primary sources of them, and from representing their gods (1). As such, their artistic expressions were done on themselves, which meant maintaining perfect appearance and physical condition, cleaning, brushing and dyeing their hair, and wearing elaborate jewelry and clothes. After all, it is the Gauls that invented “les brogues”, shoes, and “les braies", pants.

They invented the wooden barrel, when Romans still used fragile Amphorae, the iron plough, possibly the chainmail, hammers, and even fat-based soap (Soap comes from the Celtic word “saipo”, which itself comes from the Latin word for fat "sebum").

They were also great metalworkers making tools such as mirrors, scissors, combs, etc. but also refined jewelry such as torcs or fibulas made of gold, silver, and bronze, which they traded in large quantity for roman wines, which they were very fond of.

They didn't eat boar during banquets all the time. Meat was quite rare and diets were mostly made of grains. This stereotype comes from their image of living in the forest. However, the Gauls turned hectares of forest into farmlands and pastures. They had large urban centers such as Alesia or Gergovia called ‘an oppidum’ (plur. oppida), on top of hills with stone fortifications. Their homes weren't made of wood or stone, but wattle and daub (a mixture of clay, sand, and straw).

They didn't wear winged helmets. Similarly to Goths wearing horns, not only it is expensive and impractical, but also dangerous. The myth probably comes from their retractable cheek-pieces that looked like wings when held up. This helmet design would come to inspire the Roman imperial helmet.

Finally, Gallic chiefs never stood on shields. This is completely anachronistic since it was a practice done by the Franks, a Germanic tribe, much later. In fact, the Gauls didn’t even use round shields, but oval-rectangular shaped.

(1) In all honesty, I am a bit unsure about this latter point. While it comes from a reputable French historian, I found quite a lot of Celtic art depicting their gods, which seems to contradict this. If anyone knows more, please let me know.

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