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Anti-Depressants Are So Not A Big Deal
Written by Rachel Bloom and Adam Schlesinger

Patient Reshma:
FLUOXETINE, FLUOXETINE

Patient Lou:
PAROXETINE, PAROXETINE

Patient Melinda:
CITALOPRAM, CITALOPRAM

Patients:
TAKE ONCE A DAY
FLUOXETINE, FLUOXETINE
PAROXETINE, PAROXETINE
CITALOPRAM, CITALOPRAM
MAY CAUSE DRY MOUTH

Dr. Akopian:
FROM THE MOMENT THAT WE LEARN TO WALK AND SPEAK,
OUR PARENTS TELL US EVERYONE’S UNIQUE
NOW, I’M NOT SAYING THAT ADVICE IS BAD
BUT, HONEY, YOU’RE NOT SPECIAL ‘CAUSE YOU’RE SAD

Patients:
NOT SPECIAL
NO, YOU’RE NOT

Dr. Akopian:
THE BUTCHER, THE BAKER, THE GROCERY CLERK
THEY’RE ALL ON TWENTY MILLIGRAMS OR SO

Mover:
THE MOVERS

Bartender:
THE SHAKERS

Jayma:
THE HAPPY HOMEMAKER

Dr. Akopian:
YOU’D BE SURPRISED HOW MANY OF THEM KNOW

All (Except Rebecca):
ANTI-DEPRESSANTS ARE SO NOT A BIG DEAL
BIG WHOOP, YOU’RE ON AN ANTI-DEPRESSANT!

Dr. Akopian:
SWEET CHEEKS, HERE’S THE DEAL:

All (Except Rebecca):
WELCOME TO THE CLUB WITH OPEN ADMISSION
YOU’RE CAST IN THE PLAY THAT HAS NO AUDITION
YES, EVERYONE IS SPECIAL
THAT’S USUALLY THE SITCH
BUT, WHEN IT COMES TO MEDS,
YOU’RE SUCH A BASIC BITCH

Butcher:
I LOST MY JOB AND, FOR SIX MONTHS,
I COULDN’T LEAVE MY BED, YEAH!

Patient Lou:
WHEN MY HUSBAND DIED, I STOPPED BATHING
AND WATCHED CHRISTIAN TV INSTEAD, OOH!

Butcher & Patient Lou:
NOW, WE’RE ON PILLS AND IT’S LESS OF A SLOG

Dr. Akopian:
JUST ASK ANY ABUSED RESCUE DOG

Scared Chihuahua:
(WHIMPERING)

All (Except Rebecca):
THE ORIGINS OF LIFE ARE MESSY AND IMPRECISE

Dr. Akopian:
WE’RE ALL THE RESULT OF NATURAL SELECTION

Rebecca:
TRUE!
SO WHY SHOULD I FEEL CRAPPY
ABOUT SOMETHING THAT MAKES ME HAPPY?

Baker:
THOUGH IT MAY BE HARD TO MAINTAIN AN ERECTION

Patients:
MAYBE YOU SHOULD ADJUST YOUR DOSAGE!

Baker:
I ALREADY TRIED THAT; DIDN’T WORK

Patients:
HAVE YOU TRIED ANOTHER MEDICATION?

Baker:
YEP, BUT THAT ONE MADE ME GAIN WEIGHT

Patients:
OH, THAT TOTALLY HAPPENED TO ME
IT GOT BETTER WITHIN A FEW MONTHS

Baker:
THANKS, COOL!

All:
ANTI-DEPRESSANTS ARE SO NOT A BIG DEAL
BIG WHOOP, YOU’RE ON AN ANTI-DEPRESSANT!

Dr. Akopian:
TAKE TWO WITH OR WITHOUT A MEAL

All:
FLUOXETINE, FLUOXETINE
PAROXETINE, PAROXETINE
OUR LAWYERS WON’T LET US SAY BRAND NAMES

ANTI-DEPRESSANTS ARE SO-SO-SO NOT A BIG DEAL
BIG WHOOP, YOU’RE ON AN ANTI-DEPRESSANT!

Dog Walker:
CONNOR, HEEL!

All:
SOME CRY THAT IN THE PAST
WE DIDN’T MEDICATE EVERYONE

Dr. Akopian:
COOL, WITCH TRIALS AND THE CRUSADES
SOUNDED LIKE SO MUCH FUN

All:
ANTI-DEPRESSANTS ARE SO COMMON
THAT TAKING THEM IS ALL WE HAVE IN COMMON!

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