Just as the Confederates are ready to head back, Cartman calls in another load of schnapps. They get drunk again and decide to keep fighting.
"The Red Badge of Gayness" S03
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EXT. CONFEDERATE CAMP - MORNING
The camp looks like the morning after a party. Everyone
slowly starts to wake up. Others are already up, moaning and
holding their heads.
CONFEDERATES
(Moaning)
Oohhh...
Stan's dad walks out of his tent holding his head.
STAN'S FATHER
Oh, my head...
KYLE'S FATHER
Where am I?
JIMBO
Ned, I think I can say without any doubt,
that that was the LONGEST drinking binge
we've ever had.
NED
Ooh. Oh my head. Oh.
MR. GARRISON
Oh no, I'm supposed to be at work today!
KENNY'S FATHER
Me too.
JIMBO
Well, come on everybody, we've got to get
to the nearest bus station quick.
Everyone grabs their things and starts walking away.
CARTMAN
Where are you going?!
JIMBO
We're going home, kid. Come on.
CARTMAN
We can't go home! We have to take Fort
Sumter!!
STAN'S FATHER
The only thing we've gotta do is get home
before our wives leave us!
Cartman can do nothing as his entire army deserts him.
CARTMAN
NO! What about the Confederacy! What
about freedom?!
Stan and Kyle walk up to Cartman.
STAN
HA HA! You LOSE fat ass!
CARTMAN
God... I hate... HATE you guys.
KYLE
Yeah, but you know, I think you've
learned something today. You've learned
that you can't rewrite history... You
see, history-
As Kyle speaks, Cartman looks to his left and sees a
telephone.
KYLE (CONT'D)
-is forever. And everything happens for a
reason-
Cartman looks from the phone to the empty box of S'more
Schnapps.
KYLE (CONT'D)
Sure, you can try to change the past, but
usually-
Cartman walks away.
STAN
Where are you going?
CARTMAN
This isn't over. Oh no. Oh no, not by a
long shot.
EXT. TENNESSEE - DAY
The hung-over, tired Confederates are walking in a large
field.
STAN'S FATHER
Ooh, I don't believe we came all the way
out here.
JIMBO
Yeah, well, I don't think the bus
station is too far from here.
KENNY'S FATHER
How much you think a bus ticket back to
Colorado is gonna run?
EXT. TENNESSEE - DAY
The hung-over, tired Confederates are walking in a large
field.
STAN'S FATHER
Ooh, I can't believe we came all the way
out here.
JIMBO
Yeah, well, I don't think the bus
station is too far from here.
KENNY'S FATHER
How much you think a bus ticket back to
Colorado is gonna run?
Suddenly, a bunch of trucks and vans with 'Jaegarmenz S'more
Schnapps' decals pull up and slam on their brakes.
Immediately, loader guys in blue jumpsuits jump out and start
unloading boxes from the trucks and vans.
SUZZETTE, a very busty and beautiful St. Paulie type girl,
holding Schnapps in each hand walks up.
SUZZETTE
Allo! I am Suzzette the S'more Schnapps
girl!!
Cartman jumps out of one of the truck's passenger seats.
SUZZETTE (CONT'D)
We are pleased to sponsor you with all
the S'more Schnapps you need!
STAN'S FATHER
Ooh, I can't drink any more of that
stuff.
KYLE'S DAD
Me neither.
Cartman steps up.
CARTMAN
Oh come on guys, just one little drink. A
toast, to how far we came and all that
you saw.
SUZZETTE
Yes, please. Do shots out of my breasts.
JIMBO
Well I guess one little cheers is in
order...
FLIP CUT TO:
SAME LOCATION - LATER
The Confederates are all drunk again, hootin' and hollerin'
it up. Some puking, some dancing.
JIMBO
Hey look! Ned's doing his trick again!
Ned walks around with a lamp shade on his head.
MR. GARRISON
Hey guys, let's all play a game of grab
ass!
KYLE'S DAD
What's grab ass?
MR. GARRISON
We just run around in circles and try to
grab each other's asses!
STAN'S FATHER
Hey, that sounds fun!
The men all start running around in circles trying to grab
each other's asses. Cartman steps into the foreground with
his arms behind his back.
CARTMAN
Gentlemen!
The men all stop and look at Cartman.
CARTMAN (CONT'D)
I hate to break up the party, but I do
believe we have a FORT TO TAKE!!!
JIMBO
You heard the General!!
CONFEDERATES
YEAH!!!!
The Confederates all charge out of frame.
From a distance, Stan and Kyle watch with grandpa.
STAN
Oh no...
KYLE
We'll never stop them now!
