I DON'T OWN THIS
Music belongs to The Men That Will Not Be Blamed For Nothing
Song is available on iTunes
Lyrics:
v1.
(A) in the Victorian era there were four notable men who all shared a common surname...
(B) ...really? how queer!
(A) one appeared on the five pound note...
(B) the Queen?
(A) no, not our noble Empress...
(B) Gawd bless 'er!
(A) i favour a republic
(B) oh yes...come to think of it, so do i...
(A) ...two were engineers and one was a novelist, one of the greatest in the English language...
(B) Enid Blyton?
(A) ...even better than Enid Blyton.....and slightly less racist
(B) in that case Mr O'Neill, what was that common surname?
(A) well Mr Heintz, that surname was Ste(v)phenson!
chorus:
Oh Mr Ste(v)phenson,
But Mr Ste(v)phenson
Which Mr Ste(v)phenson are you?
Oh Mr Ste(v)phenson,
Robert, George or Robert-Louis?
and if Robert, which one?
(because there were two.)
v2.
(A) the first Stephenson was George Stephenson, the father of the modern railway...
(B) he gave birth to a railway?
(A) in a round about way, yes
(B) ouch!
(A) now, he built railways, built steam engines, and started to lay the foundations of what eventually became the national railway we have today
chorus:
Oh Mr Ste(v)phenson,
But Mr Ste(v)phenson
Which Mr Ste(v)phenson are you?
Oh Mr Ste(v)phenson,
Robert, George or Robert-Louis?
and if Robert, which one?
(because there were two.)
v3.
(A) George Stephenson had a son called Robert and he also worked on steam engines, and together this father and son team went on to build the Rocket, the first commercial...
(B) FIREWORK!
(A) no, no you're thinking of Guy Faulkes
(B) oh yes, i love big hats
(A) (...hmmm i can see that)..... the world's first commercial steam locomotive
chorus:
Oh Mr Ste(v)phenson,
But Mr Ste(v)phenson
Which Mr Ste(v)phenson are you?
Oh Mr Ste(v)phenson,
Robert, George or Robert-Louis?
and if Robert, which one?
(because there were two.)
v4.
(A) now the Victorian engineer Robert Stephenson should not be confused with the Victorian engineer Robert Stevenson...
(B) WOAH! HOLD IT! HOLD IT!...the Victorian engineer Robert Stephenson should not be confused with the Victorian engineer Robert Stephenson?
(A) yes, there were two of them
(B) ...Gawd, my brain's melting...
(A) now this other Robert Stevenson also worked on steam engines, he mainly worked on lighthouses
but he did also work on railways...which confused the fuck out of me when i first read that chapter of my book...
(B) well how can you tell them apart?
(A) it's quite simple really, it's a matter of spelling...
(B) witchcraft?
(A) no... not that kind of spelling.... the first Robert Stephenson spelt his name with a 'ph' and the other one with a 'v'.
(B) .............oh. i see.....VEE-PHENSON!
(A) yeah!
chorus:
Oh Mr VEE-phenson,
But Mr VEE-phenson
Which Mr VEE-phenson are you?
Oh Mr VEE-phenson,
Robert, George or Robert-Louis?
and if Robert, which one?
(because there were two.)
v5.
(A) the final Stevenson was Robert Louis Stevenson, the author of Doctor Jekyll and Mr Hyde and Treasure Island...
(B) Muppets Treasure Island?
(A) no, not Muppets Treasure Island, that was Michael Caine, as well you know ... so now we have all four, a quartet of notable Steph(v)ensons...but the problem remains...
(B) ...how do you tell them apart!
chorus:
Oh Mr Ste(v)phenson,
But Mr Ste(v)phenson
Which Mr Ste(v)phenson are you?
Oh Mr Ste(v)phenson,
Robert, George or Robert-Louis?
and if Robert, which one?
(because there were two.)
....and that doesn't include Pamala Stephenson, who gave birth to Billy Connolly
