There are powerful forces that play out when we do not have the emotional support we need as children. One thing leads to the next. Here's the quick summary: when are emotions are ignored as children, they are coded by the brain as dangerous, which means that when we have feelings as adults they will be followed by a stress response. This stress response causes our brains to be less integrated, which makes it more difficult to regulate the very emotions that frighten us. This lack of integration leads to inner chaos, which leads to 'rigidity', as we cling to behaviors which help us cope with the chaos (including emotional numbing and getting depressed, blocking intimacy, etc.). This chaos and rigidity make it more difficult to make choices that are actually based on what is good for us, which causes our life to suffer. When we are struggling to have success in life, judgment ensues--judgement from others and judgement from ourselves in the form of shame. When we shame or attack ourselves, our brain reads that just like an attack from the outside. In other words, more stress response is trigged. And we are back where we started! Only now whatever mistreatment we had from our parents (in the form of either neglect or punishment) has been internalized and taken on a life of its own. It is easy to see how people get stuck!
The good news is that while negative begets negative, positive also begets positive. So when we can shift any part of the "circle", we suddenly have access to forces that will help us along. For instance, when we learn self-compassion, we can foster an inner safety that allows us to move to the 'circle of thriving'. The same is true when we learn to not fear our emotions. Feeling safe in our own internal world helps the brain become more integrated, which allows our potential to open up.
