I have been diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder.

My mood recently has been alternating between feeling elevated and exhausted (and both together) in the past few weeks after a few months of extra stress. Stress and trauma can trigger mania for me.

This is the fourth short video in a row and my brain is becoming fatigued so it was quite hard for me to get my words out. Yet I still had restless energy and went for a vigorous walk after this video because I had excess energy in my body despite my brain feeling tired.

I talk a little about how crashing feels like to me. The bigger and longer the high, the bigger the crash - at least for me.

Crashing is a colloquial term used to describe a rapid mood shift from an elevated mood (hypomania or mania) into depression. For me, it is much like the crashing of a wave. The bigger the wave, the bigger the crash. Or like someone riding a bike down a steep hill without breaks and falling off. Or like someone falling off a cliff.

Smaller crashes feel very uncomfortable - processing painful emotions in crying spells for example. Massive crashes have been very distressing and life-threatening. I have trauma and anxiety with my bipolar and the anxiety becomes extreme and I can feel like I am going to die from all the stress - the bipolar crash is particularly distressing for me because of the PTSD. I may become suicidal.

I have never fully recovered from my first crash and breakdown over 20 years ago. I made another video about breakdowns - 'what is a nervous breakdown?'.

During a crash, it can feel like my brain is burning up like rocket fuel. So I may rapidly eat a tub of something sugary and fatty like ice-cream just to fuel what feels like is burning up in my brain. This is after forgetting to eat regularly when manic. Psychiatrists prescribing too aggressive medications have made me crash. The aim of the meds is to try to prevent full mania episodes and severe depressive episodes. Yet I still have fluctuations. Especially when I have stress (that most people handle fine) and I am processing trauma.

I am feeling quite burnt out yet my mood still gets elevated. This is currently uncomfortable yet manageable. I am doing lots of self-care to try to help me get proper sleep (with the help of prescribed medications) to get through this.

I have restless energy even though I can feel 'brain-dead'. It took me over a week to feel like I could speak for a cluster of videos before I go back into hibernation again for self-care.

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