Your husband rejects you sexually. I'm sorry to hear that because I know, that has to hurt. You start questioning yourself. "Am I not pretty enough? Am I not sexy enough? Am I not skilled enough?" There must be all kinds of things going through your head. You're thinking, "I need sex too. I need fulfillment. Why does he not want me anymore?"
Typically when you feel that your husband does not want you sexually, or even if he says as much, you take it personally and think there's something wrong with you, and that increases the pain pretty dramatically. Hi, I'm Dr. Joe Beam. I'm with MH international. We work with marriages in all kinds of situations. When I earned my Ph.D., my Doctorate from the University of Sydney in Australia, I studied the causes and correlations between marital satisfaction and sexual satisfaction.
That's why I've been on shows like the "Today Show" to talk about sex, particularly in the context of marriage. So let me speak as a sexologist, if I may, and an expert in relationships and particularly marriage relationships. For over a quarter of a century, I've worked with marriages in all kinds of situations, including those with sexual difficulties.
If your husband rejecting you sexually, let me get you to think about a few things. If you will, that I believe can help you understand what's happening and potentially rectify the situation so that again, you and your husband can be making love to each other. There are some general factors to consider. For example, look at your husband's age. He may be relatively young, but let me talk about this.
We know that approximately one-third of men, when they reach age 65, will stop having sex. Another third of men, when they get to 75, will stop having sex. We could say that the other third die happy. If it's an age factor thing, then understand that it may have nothing to do with you, but it also has to do with health. All kinds of stuff like some men who have heart troubles actually might become afraid of sex. Thinking that if I do something like that, it may cause me to have a heart attack. "It may kill me." They get afraid of the sex situation itself, thinking somehow it would be dangerous to them. Also, people who are obese sometimes have diminished sexual capacity in the sense that the libido goes away quite a bit. They don't have that drive within them.
People who are stressed all the time. I mean, stress hitting him here, here, and there. All those things can be a factor. It also has to do with timing. You said, "what do you mean timing?" We would ask questions like this. Has your husband always rejected you sexually? Or has that started at a particular period in time? I mean, you may not be able to say the exact day of the exact week of the exact month, but if you can somehow sort of pinpoint the time when it occurred, then we would say to you start examining the situations around that. Did something happen shortly before that would have affected your husband emotionally or sexually? For example, perhaps his father died, or maybe he got fired from a job he liked. Perhaps he had a business snafu and wound up having to go bankrupt.
In other words, look at other things around. If there's a time about when it started, try to see if anything around that time might lead to understanding why it happened and what changes occurred. Did your husband's desire to make love to you taper off, or did he stop suddenly and abruptly? When you look at those things, of course, I'll have to mention here that one possibility, and I'm not saying this is true of your husband at all. Is he emotionally and/or sexually involved with someone else that could affect his wanting to make love to you? But try to understand what timing factors are going around this and what relationship factors were the two of us involved. You say, "what do you mean?" Well, if you're not getting along very well, maybe that has something to do with it.
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