A joke by Billy Connolly about a Russian wrestler called "Ivan the terrible"...

"There was a wrestler, and he was a Russian and he was called Ivan the Terrible. And everyone was terrified of him, because he had 2 famous holds: The half pretzel and the full pretzel. The half pretzel broke your back and the full pretzel killed you! So there was this trail of dead bodies all over Russia until nobody would fight him anymore it seems... Wait a minute (however they say that in Russian). And he joined the circus:
- A thousand pounds to anyone who will last 1 round with the dreaded Ivan the Terrible!!!
No takers. All quaking in their seat... Circus goes right across Europe. 'Oh, I'm not fighting that!' And one day the circus came to Glasgow. They set up the tent in Glasgow green:
- A thousand pounds to anyone who will last...
- I'LL DO IT!!!
- Do you know what you are doing sir?
- AYE!
- Who you're going to fight?
- I DON'T CARE! Give us the money now and save us all the trouble!
- Ivan the Terrible from the Steppes, never been beaten, 2 famous....
- I DON'T CARE!
Down the isle, the crowd are all chattin':
- EASY, EASY, INTO HIM, INTO HIM! GONE SHUGGIE! WE ARE THE CHAMPIOOONS!
- Easy boys it's alright! A doddle!
He's out there, like 3-4 stones with the glasses on. The big heavy boots with the steel toe caps.
- Oooh, it's a dooodle... Where is he anyway this bumstick?
The bloke says:
- Well be it on your own head sir... Give us Ivan the Terrible!
They let him out his neck and shove him through the curtains:
- Uaghuaua!
It's all hair and teeth...
- Uahaghgh
Bloke goes
- Wait a minute... Is that it? Oh alright, COME ON WELL!
- Ughuaugh
- Ah shut your mouth.
The boot right in the crotch, down he went squealing like a pig 'ooooh'
- Shhhuuut up.
The crowd are going mad:
- Into him, into him! EASY, EASY!
Wallop, Ivan is rolling about squealing like a pig. He's about to lapse into unconsciousness and he grabs the wee shaggy's leg 'Oh!'
- Wait a minute...
Starts to climb up:
- Ugghaugh
One arm over.
- Ugghaugh
'Oooh', says the crowd: The half pretzel. Another arm over. 'Ughaugh'
- Oh no!!
The full pretzel!! The two of the fall to the floor in a knot having a roll about, and you can hear:
- Ughaughugh
- Aaaah, oh noooo!
- Ughaughugh
And then BANG! Ivan comes spinning up hits the wall, slides down, unconscious! Crowd goes crazy:
- HELLOOOO! WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!
The reefer' getting interviewed:
- Tell me mister Shuggie, he says, you did... You did really desperately well there, can you tell the crow and myself how you managed it?
- That it was a doddle, know what I mean? He did this pretzel thing, I'm feelin' the flare like a big knot in there, i mean... All of the sudden I feel the life drain right out of me! Then I sees it right in front of me! A HUGE WILLY! I goes like that: Oh wait a minute! What I do I sink my teeth right INTO IT! And you know something... It's amazing the surge of strength you get when you bite your own willy, you know?!!!"

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