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Two English women are having a meal during their holiday in Italy. Mary tells her friend Fay about her problems, but they are occasionally distracted by the waiter who does his utmost to live up to the stereotype of the oversexed Mediterranean male... The extremely versatile Victoria Wood in a beautifully scripted, classic British- humour sketch. Enjoy! Level: C1 -- C2 Topic: Holidays / Relationships Taken from the series 'Victoria Wood as Seen on TV'
[NB: I do not own the copyright to this video clip. I have uploaded it here for educational purposes].
SCRIPT
M: Cheers...
F: How are things?
M: Oh! It’s been a terrible week! Monday I thought I was having an early menopause…
F: And were you?
M: No – the dog had been beggaring about with the thermostat! *
F: I didn’t know you had a dog…
M: It’s my mother’s; she’s in Marbela for the summer… 12 pounds a week all in.
F: That’s very cheap...
M: Sharing a room with two dustmen… *
F: Does she like Spain?
M: Well she likes the majesty and grandeur of the landscape…* but she’s not too keen on the bacon. *
F: What sort of dog is it?
M: Oh – performing. Rolls round the kitchen on a beach-ball…
F: Pasta! A bit fattening, eh? Give you something to grab hold of! * Nice one! *
M: They’re all like that in here… Jamming their groins into your tortellini… * Then on Tuesday, Nick left home.
F: What – for good?
M: Well he’s taken the toolshed! *
F: I thought you were so well-suited…
M: We were! Especially physically… Whenever I gave him the old ‘come higher’ – he ‘came hither’! *
F: You were quite experimental, weren’t you?
M: Oh, yes! Outdoors… three in a bed…
F: …oh, with the man next door…
M: I don’t recommend it. They got into politics and I ended up watching Take the High Road. with the sound off.
F: Parmesan? Yum – yum! Very nice! Very…cheesy! *
M: Oh, we should have gone to the snacketeria… One thing about self-service is no one tries to arouse your sexuality! * And also, Nick, apparently is in love with someone else…
F: How long has that been going on?
M: Well it must be yonks, because he told me their tune was ‘Chirpy – Chirpy, Chip – Chip’! *
F: Who is it?
M: You know I mentioned a very small neighbour of mine – buys children’s clothes and spends the VAT on tequila? * Well it’s her… I wondered why he’d had that cat-flap widened… *
F: Pepper, ladies? Make you nice and hot! * Nice big one, eh? * I know what you ladies like…
M: Thank heavens the sausage was off! * No… so I’m totally disillusioned… No more sex… I’m going to become a nun. *
F: I thought you had to be able to play billiards.. *
M: No, that’s all changed…. No, I’m joining a convent in Smethick on Friday. I have to take one small suitcase and a jig-saw. *
F: What’s the habit like?
M: Hot pants! *
F: Dainty...
M: Oh, you have to make some sacrifices…
F: Won’t you miss…the physical side of life?
M: No Fay, because I’m basically a very cerebral and spiritual person. * I don’t go around panting for bodily intimacy like a misguided poodle…
F: Would you like to come and be very naughty with me in staff washroom? Lots of sexy fun with nice, big Italian boy… *
M: Oh go on then… Fay?
F: Just a black coffee, thank you. **
