Question: My girlfriend keeps hinting she wants to move in with me and I'm not having it. I love my girl but not ready to see her 24/7. I don't want to end the relationship but feel like telling her no will not end well. Any idea? I’m at a loss.
Answer: To me, moving in together is a big deal. Let's remember in a healthy relationship NO ONE sees each other 24/7... that's more codependence. Inter-dependence is when two independent people still have their own thriving lives AND being together more is a measurable contribution to both.
Nonetheless, I agree... a LOT of conversations need to happen before you move in under one roof. I'm certainly not against moving in as I think you learn a lot about people and you get a lot of practice on how to compromise and still honor your own truth, however rushing can make things backfire.
You say you don't want to end the relationship by letting her know you're not ready to move in... however what if that's a deal-breaker for her. Has she made that clear from the get-go that she expects moving and soon engagement? If so and she's not the one, I'd like you to be Noble Badass and set her free so she can find someone that is on the path to marriage.
There's something great man, by the way you're saying and "I'm not having it..." that's kind of defiant and frustrated. You are not enjoying feeling pressured, huh?
Help me understand why having these deep kinds of honest vulnerable transparent conversations is challenging. In a healthy relationship there's space to be able to share your truth and while you don't have to agree with the other person, you can be an allowance of their point of view. You can create solutions together. It doesn't have to be black or white. It doesn't have to be stay together or break up. There's so many shades of grey that can work for both parties.
For example, do you know what needs to be in place for you to move in together? Have you ever asked yourself that question? Have the two of you ever talked about that? Have you talked about what your shared values are or what you're creating and your life regarding relationships? It sounds to me like you haven't if she needs to hint at you and I totally get that the hinting is annoying you...
Instead of wasting your energy resisting this, I recommend you turn towards that which you're avoiding and have a heart open wonderful conversation about what's possible in a way that works for both of you. You can create milestones. You can have certain nights where you talk about Love or Money or sex or shared values or future dreams or moving in together...
For example in my fourth book, in chapter 5 I talked about an intimacy boot camp... 21 days of questions you ask to bring the two of you closer. I'm sure you remember that research experiment where people asked each other 36 questions and by the end they were reported to have fallen in love. You'd be amazed how safe and seen and understood you could feel when some uncomfortable topics become more comfortable.
The book is called "Seven steps to manifest your beloved while staying true to yourself." I know the two of you have already found each other, yet the real relationship I'm referring to as your beloved... is yourself. When you engage in a conversation needing to be right or control the other or not be controlled... It leads to conflict quickly. But when you have your own back, and you know your own truth, you can be curious and open and unattached. Conversations tend to go quite beautifully and even miracles unfold.
In fact, you could read the book together and have a sexy book club night. There are only seven chapters so within a very short period of time the two of you will have a deeper understanding of each other's core values and dreams. I think it will be self-evident whether the relationship is ready to go deeper to moving in or whether it's time to bless each other and move on.
My sense is if you continue avoiding her and she continues hinting it's just going to blow up anyways.
Be brave. Sit in the fire. Open your heart.
Be real. Stay unattached, get curious.
And let's see what unfolds when the two of you engage in these series of conversations about what really matters.
You can do it . Humongous love, Allana
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