We have all heard of fight flight or freeze as a response to stressful events. We have learned that when we are presented with a situation where we feel threatened we have one of these three responses. The flight response signals us to run away from danger and this can look like over worrying, over thinking, being a perfectionist, and always needing to have something to do. The fight response signals us to fight the threat. This can look like anger outbursts.
The freeze response signals us to freeze for protection. This can look like dissociation, soaring out and zoning out. There is a fourth repose that is associated with trauma that not many people talk about and that is Fawn. Fawning is to people please in order to be accepted, liked, diffuse conflict, and to earn approval.
The reason fawning is considered a trauma response is because we use it in order to be reduce the amount of threat there is in our lives. with complex trauma and other childhood trauma often the threat is a person or people. People are the ones that have caused us to feel threatened, unliked, insecure, or hurt, and in order to ensure we protect ourselves, we fawn and this is to fly under the radar, be accepted, and to cause as little conflict as possible.
here are some of the ways we fawn:
1. We always say "no" or we say yes to most things. if you often find yourself in a situation where you are struggling to say "no" ask yourself, what am I saying yes? is it because I can, and have the means, and time to help, or is it because I want to seem helpful to the other person? is it because I want acceptance and want to be liked or is it true because I feel like helping in this situation.
2. You always apologize even when you have done nothing wrong. This is a type of apology for existence and it is related to shame. We feel like we need to apologize for taking up space or just existing. This can look like someone interrupting us and we apologizing for talking in the first place. What you can do is take a few seconds before you apologize, check in with yourself and see if saying sorry is needed at that moment because you have done something wrong, or if you are about to apologize for being uncomfortable.
3. You never express you opinions and maybe wait for other to express opinions before you do in order to ensure you are not causing ripples. This can look like never being the one to suggest were to go or what to do and it could even look like you accessing to do, say, or stand up for something you don't really beige in or want to do in order to fly under the radar and be liked. You can try expressing your opinion and needs and disagreeing with a trusted person you know will support you. start small such as being the one to suggest a place to eat and then work your way up to something bigger.
4.You experience low self-esteem. When we fawn we aren't really expressing and showing the world who we really are. Therefore we never get the opportunity to allow people to get to know us and like us for who we are and our self esteem suffers because of it. We feel ashamed of ourselves, our opinions, and beliefs and we may not think they are good enough. This causes us to act in the fawning responses mentioned before.
Again, this is usually a response to trauma especially complex childhood trauma where we didn't feel safe to be ourselves. Often to get help with this, it is important to work with a professional to grow from the trauma, reestablish safety, and develop self awareness and emotion regulation skills. Of course you can try working on some things on your own such as setting boundaries, practicing expressing opinions with a person you trust, and doing things that can help increase your self esteem such as practicing a hobby you like or learning about things that are important to you.
