I had no clue what I was doing. I just didn’t want to feel ashamed of myself anymore.
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I was bullied. I felt inadequate. In Texas, I was subjected to racism in every corner. I was that 'chubby chink'. I was that weird short fat asian only-child in the middle of a southern country town. I was an outcast - I was never like anyone else. Everyone shared commonalities with each other. Everyone connected with each other. Life at home was studying & chores - controlling asian “tiger parenting” to train your child to high levels of achievement and success in order to carry on honor in the family name. I was called fat and worthless. At school. At home. I had nowhere to go to and coped by inflecting pain on myself alone in my room. I just wanted some sort of acknowledgment; some sort of love… and without love, I felt like my existence was meaningless. Life was lonely.
One day, I came home from school crying for being made fun of. Looking for comfort, I was returned with “well then stop eating. That’s why kids make fun of you.” I snapped. I stopped eating and fasted for 3 days. Seeing how much weight I lost excited me… and so I fasted more. I could make everyone happy. When I accidentally ate, I’d go over the toilet and shove my fingers down my throat. I lost 40lb in a month, with bruises on my head and cuts on my arms.
I started lifting because anime was sick and cardio hurt. It felt like knives in the side of my stomach. Asthma made me feel weak. But I had to do calisthenics in karate class, so extra body weight made me strong. I taped a camera on the ceiling of my parents office so I could video tape them typing in the password to our home computer. At 2am each night, I creeped to the office to watch videos of zyzz, jeff seid, and dragon ball z while leveling up my strength in the stronghold of security on runescape. I averaged 4 hours of sleep every other night for 5 years. Maybe I could’ve been taller…
For Christmas my parents were kind. I built a mini-gym in the family garage, with a barbell, a couple adjustable dumbbells, and a Marcy flat leg extension curl bench press set. It became my escape room. Every time I stepped in, I visualized my haters, I focused on my heartbreak, I honed in on becoming someone worthy of external validation - to validate my existence. In doing so, I finally found my outlet // a way to exhale // a place to put my pent up energy… but it wasn’t like that for long.
Lifting became my runescape. MMORPG’s were my way to connect with people, not being allowed out of the house. But lifting became my new video game and my greatest passion - my new form of leveling up my character
10 years is a lot. You can do it in less. It was a long and arduous process of trial & error for me. I had to figure out everything for myself - no friends, no siblings, and I received no support from my family when it came to anything that didn't align their vision.
I got tired of that shit. I wanted to be around people like me. I just wanted to be accepted. I moved to California alone and my life changed.
Looking back, I now realize my journey wasn’t just a fitness journey, but a long road to self-love.
So, I want to be here for you guys so you don’t have to go thru the 10 years of trial and error, unhealthy diet methods, and mistakes I had to go thru to get to where I am today. I just want to help you guys get whatever it is you want, whether it be your dream body, being healthy, or finding happiness and actual *unconditional* self-love.
We can all bring each other up. We can make it together📈
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I just read thru each of your comments here and my IG… and my heart feels so full to see that someone cares.
Yes, I should find self-love within myself… but I’d be a liar if I said your love & support weren’t what helped me realize my value. That I’m not worthless.
Because not everything lasts forever. My success. Body. Mind. Anything could be gone in a second. Just like some of the closest people to me❤️🩹
But leaving this world knowing that I may have made a positive impact on someone’s life… that someone out there is actually *thankful* for my existence…
I’m not just saying it cause it’s some cliche thing to say. You guys and your words have made me feel like my life finally has purpose. I have a reason to be alive. And f*ck… does that feel so good.
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