*Dial 988 if you are having thoughts of suicide* My name is Gloria Trillo. You probably know me as one of Tony Soprano's girlfriends, or "goomars," as they call us. Tony and I first met when our therapist double-booked us for the same appointment.

In most cases, that would've been the last time I saw Tony, assuming our doctor didn't double book us again. But, lo and behold, I was at work at Globe Motors, the local Mercedes-Benz dealership, when all of a sudden I saw Tony walking my way.

As for my job, it had its ups and downs. I wish I'd been able to find a more stable middle ground, but stability has never been a strong suit of mine. It doesn't seem to have been one of Tony's strong suits, either, though I guess we have different ways of dealing with it.

Wait, let me step back for a second. Did I mention why I started going to therapy in the first place? The whole serial killer thing was a joke, though I sure did kill those relationships in my own Glorida kind of way.

So, getting back to Dr. Melfi: If you're wondering what I think of my former therapist, I suppose the fact that I'm not alive anymore speaks for itself as to the outcome of being under her treatment. Don't get me wrong, though: I'm not pointing fingers and saying my death was her fault.

Frankly, I can't point fingers at any one person or thing that pushed me over the edge. It's difficult when I hear people asking themselves what they could've done or said to make a difference and prevent the death of Person X, Y, or Z. Honestly, there really is no equation or formula for that. Trust me, as someone with control issues, I wish I could've found that formula.

But what does any of this have to do with how I acted with Tony Soprano? well, a big reason for my behavior and problems in relationships can be explained by my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). While you may have heard of BPD, it's very misunderstood and often gets mixed up with other conditions and heavily stigmatized. So, when I heard about research at the University Hospital of Montpellier's Therapy Center for Mood and Emotional Disorders in France suggesting that certain Buddhist-derived psychotherapies could help people with BP, I figured I'd give the Buddhist thing a shot.

And what did BPD mean for me in my daily life? It was hard to manage my emotions. One second, I felt safe and secure, and the next, I felt like everyone I cared about was going to abandon me. I know I pushed people away because of these insecurities. Perhaps my overreactions were some sort of defense mechanism or self-fulfilling prophecy.

After I told the doctor about the good couple of weeks I'd been having, she asked me about my social life. Well, "asked" probably isn't the most accurate term. It felt more like an interrogation. And from that point on, I really didn't feel like I could open up to her.

I know I pushed Tony away with reckless and impulsive behavior, but that was actually something he and I had in common. He also had quite a reckless and impulsive side to him. I put it to him in these words: "You deprive yourself of nothing." I know I shouldn't have driven Tony's wife, Carmela, home that day from the dealership. I guess it could have been worse: I could have told her exactly who I was and exactly how I know her husband outside of Globe Motors. In fact, I figured later on that same day I'd probably get a furious call from Tony. At least I'd be getting his attention. But nothing. Radio silence. If only I'd let it be, but that just wasn't me.

I knew exactly what I was doing, just like I'd known all the previous times with the previous people in the previous places and situations. I was so terrified of being abandoned again that I swore I'd never let that happen again. I'd never allow myself to be caught off guard after what happened to me in the fourth grade. Abandoned? Oh, poor me, right? After things completely fell apart with Tony, his friend come by and took a test drive with me to get me alone and threaten to kill me if I bothered Tony or anyone in his family ever again. From then on, every time I took someone for a test drive, I had a vision of that person driving me to the same spot and threatening me, or worse.

#thesopranos #sopranos #sopranosblueprint

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00:00 Introduction
00:26 Who is Gloria Trillo?
01:09 Tony Soprano visits Gloria at work
01:42 Tony and Gloria go to the zoo
02:02 Gloria isn't pointing fingers necessarily
02:42 Gloria's Borderline Personality Disoder (BPD)
03:16 Dr. Melfi's "Interrogation"
04:16 More about BPD
04:35 How BPD showed up in Gloria's life and led her to push people away
05:10 Gloria drives Carmela home from Globe Motors
06:39 Patsy warns Gloria to stay away from Tony and his family

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