TW: Thoughts of suicide and more sensitive stuff
This all happened last night.
So I'm going to go to church and it's important to me...and I went to visit my grandma's house because my mom promised that she would pick me me up...
Turns out, she planned on picking me up the day after but luckily, she didn't
Now that's not really the main problem.
The problem is that she didn't come as planned..she came like, late at night and it made my grandma angry at both me and my mom, mostly me because apparently, it was MY fault for wanting to go visit her...
She was mad at ME for wanting to visit HER! Like hell was I supposed to know that my mom wouldn't pick me up..if I knew, I would've gone home on my own.
EVERYONE started saying it was MY fault and that I shouldn't have gone to her house. They all kept blaming me and I..believe them.
Maybe it was my fault that happened..
Maybe it was my fault they became angry..
Maybe they were right...maybe I was the problem the entire time..
I don't wanna live like this anymore..I dont like being blamed for things I DIDN'T do..
I wanna to die but I'm scared of death..
I wanna run away and never come back but I'm scared of being alone...
I wanna do it but I don't wanna see my family and friends become sad because of me...
WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!
I wanna tell them things that I want them to hear but who am I to do that? I'm only someone who follows their orders..make sure that I do my best at everything..
I'm not worthy of anything...
I'm not worthy of the love and attention I get from my friends..
I'm not worthy of even life itself...
IM A FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!!
And sometimes I wonder..why...why was I born...I dont- I just want to live a peaceful life..away from all of them..away from the people who hurt me...
I don't like any of this..I'm scared and I need someone to talk to..but I don't wanna bother any of my friends with my problems...they've got their own to handle..I can't let them carry that..
If I tell my family members..they say I'm too sensitive..they say that I should stop acting like a child...
I don't like this..I dont like any of this...
I just wanna know what I did and I'll fix it, I swear I will..I can fix things I broke..you don't have to remain angry...I can help..just let me help..
You don't have to tell me that it wasn't my fault..I know it was...Ive been told it was ME my whole life, I'll be fine with the truth...
Thanks for listening to my rant
- Bean/Mid❤️
