Listen to this email I received and see if you can relate.

Dear Mort,

We are in week 2 of the silent treatment!

It all started over something ridiculous! We should know better than this! He is a judge. I am a social worker! He won't budge! I need help!

Jodie

The dreaded silent treatment. The big stand-off. You know it, don't you? Horrible, isn't it?

The most intense prayers in a household come during these silent treatments: "Oh God, I hope that's not him pulling into the driveway."

"Oh God, when will she go upstairs already?"

Most silent treatments start like Jodie's, with something ridiculous. Sometimes people can't even remember what started it. And if they could, they'd be too embarrassed to admit that something so small blew-up into something so big.

So what are these silent treatments REALLY about? And how can you avoid them or end them quickly?

It's interesting that Jodie made a point to say that she and her husband should know better. In other words, they're intelligent, educated people. Jodie's husband is even a judge, an expert in distinguishing between right and wrong. They know that treating each other this way doesn't make sense. They know that it’s wrong. But they also know that THEY are right.

And that's the problem!

Silent treatments ensue when both people feel they're RIGHT. And the more conviction, the longer the silence lasts. And, ironically, the more intelligent and articulate the couple, the MORE LIKELY they are to endure silence between them. Because intelligent and articulate people have confidence in their position and feel justified for holding their ground.

Although Jodie is surprised that her and her husband, intelligent people, could be so petty; the fact is that one reason they're holding their silence for so long is BECAUSE they're intelligent. In other words, intellectual capacity and marital satisfaction can be INVERSELY related. Let me say it another way: When it comes to your marriage, you can be right or you can be happy. But sometimes you can't be both.

In a courtroom, a hospital, or an office, right and wrong determine success or failure. The decision to prescribe the right medicine, for example, could be the difference between life and death. The relationship between the doctor and the patient is secondary. Being RIGHT is what matters and what is rewarded.

But in marriage, being right is not the highest value; it’s the relationship that matters most.

Sometimes you have to choose. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happily married?

Just because you're right/wrong paradigm works at the office doesn't mean that you should bring it home. "He who is a hammer thinks everything is a nail." Some things work perfectly in one area of life and fail terribly in another. In marriage, you have to be like a carpenter and know which tool to use. The right/wrong mode is the WRONG tool to use in your marriage.

The more you insist on being RIGHT, the more you will be miserable in your marriage. Don't go for RIGHT; go for LOVE.

Jodie expects that because she and her husband are "intelligent," they shouldn't find themselves in these petty stalemates. But just because Jodie and her husband have a high IQ, doesn't mean they have a high EQ.

IQ is a measure of your intellect. The higher your IQ, the better your ability to process information and determine what's "right."

EQ is a measure of your EMOTIONAL intelligence. The higher your EQ, the better your ability to connect with people, succeed in relationships, and have peace.

Just as some athletes are strong but not fast, so too many people have a high IQ but a low EQ.

Bottom line: Intelligence, in the way Jodie means it, has little bearing on her and her husband's ability to succeed in their marriage. In fact, a high IQ coupled with a low EQ can be a disastrous combination for a marriage.

The good news, however, is that EQ can be developed. Anyone can increase their EQ and learn to make their marriage RIGHT. Want to do that?

Join me for the next Marriage Fitness Tele Boot Camp. The first teleconference begins shortly, and the jump start downloads are available now. Looking forward.

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